Sunday, September 18, 2005

Some digests

Pilchard Teeth was a strange magazine designed to advertise playstations.

I wrote some digest sections in the back directing readers to products relating to the general theme of each issue in 2001/ 2002 (i think)

Not sure if these make sense without the pictures, but I guess if you've scrolled this far down the page, you're interested enough to want to read them.

Film props


Beh-beh-beh. What’s going on behind those beady eyes? Beh-beh-beh. Why does it need those horns? Beh-beh-beh. It looks like Satan! Beh-beh-beh. Beh. Beh. Beh.
If well looked after, the goat will also prove to be a good source of milk and cheese products for you and your cast..


As seen in: ‘Race With The Devil’



“Sing hymns make love get high fall dead
He'll bring his perfume to your bed
He'll charm your life 'til the cold winds blow
Then he'll sell your dreams to a picture show
Cigarettes, ice cream, figurines of the Virgin Mary
Cigarettes, ice cream, figurines of the Virgin Mary
Cadillacs, blue jeans, dixieland playing on the ferry
Cadillacs, blues jeans, drop a glass full of antique sherry”

King Crimson


As seen in: The Exorcist




Donning these dungaree overalls instantly lowers the wearer’s genetic viability, and greatly increases his chances of being turned into a zombie in the third act.
“We ‘bain’t seen your type round ‘ere before. Arr. You’ll be seein’ more of us no doubt. Ooh -arr. That your wife?” Etc.

Dungaree overalls


As seen in
Straw Dogs, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre


Carnal desires

Save cutting yourself and your actors up. A box of organic meat, a little imagination and some camera trickery should answer all fleshly cravings. Contents include one whole leg, 1kg of lean mince, one loin joint, one best end joint, 1kg lean diced casserole, half a shoulder and some sausages.

As seen in ‘Blood Feast’

Organic meat boxes




“I saw something nasty in the wood shed!”

As seen in: “Cold Comfort Farm’





The Devil’s weapon of choice. Looks particularly good silhouetted against a setting sun in the hands of a Hick.* “I jus’ cem buy to fix your roof. I didn’t disturb you did I? Where’s your wife tonight then?” Etc

As seen in: Brain Dead




What’s happened to Dolly’s head? Who’s taken her body away? Darling, darling where are the children?

As seen in: Chuckie



An increasing rarity in the age of computers and white boards, chalk is still unbeatable when it comes to drawing pentagrams and weirdly significant symbols. It can also be used when crushed to replicate the advertising profession’s narcotic of choice, and to add that much needed ghostly gothic pallor to the faces of your cast.

As seen in:

Sleepy Hollow, Scarface



The Lacnunga (or Leech Knowing) is an Anglo-Saxon spell book containing all manner of advice on how to deal with elves, get rid of wen (by making them smaller than a worm’s hip- bone) and what to do when faced with a dwarf. It will look superb in the hands of an old bearded fellow, and if you can get him to read from its pages in a tremulant voice it should add some much needed gravitas to the proceedings.

As seen in:

The Lord Of The Rings
The Magician Of Gore

Picture here




It’s only when you realise why it’s smiling that this rabbit becomes truly terrifying.

As seen in:

It, Donnie Darko


Musical Instruments


A common site in medieval times, along with tapestries, peasants and festering wounds, the Bladderpipe is a reed instrument connected to a large pig’s bladder. This bladder provides a reservoir of air used to produce sufficient pressure to work the reed. Care must be taken when storing.


As featured in:

Pasolini films
Concerts by The Antiquatian Funks (

Sounds Iike:
A helium fuelled Scandinavian orgy



The Vocoder has been around since the 1939 when it was developed for the encryption of speech for the military. More recently its been used to make guitars talk and make singers sound like robots.

Price: £400

As featured in:
Kraftwerk records.
Daft Punk records
Sparky The Magic Piano

Sounds Iike:
Stephen Hawking
[Pics at]



The theremin was invented in 1921 by soviet Scientist extraordinaire, Lev Sergeivitch Terman. As you wave your hand around the antenna, it produces sounds of varying pitch. This is singularly satisfying – it’s as if you magically cast the sound – and it produces music of unsurpassed strangeness. The only drawback with this lovely piece of equipment used to be that it was as big as a desk. Now it comes in this handy potable size. Great.

As featured in:

1950s sci-fi.
Good Vibrations - the Beach Boys
Whole Lotta Love – Led Zeppelin
The theremin was also very popular with Lenin himself – who used to play one of his favourite tunes, The Skylark, on it.

Sounds Iike:

The future.

Price: £99



Usually the preserve of large sweating men in leather britches, the blacksmith’s anvil has a lesser known, but long running career as a musical instrument. It couldn’t be easier to play – the whole of the technique is to bang it as hard as you can with a large hammer – but it is slightly cumbersome, weighing about 300lb. However, once you’ve exhausted the anvil’s limited musical capability it makes a superb stand for your TV.


As featured in:
Wagner’s ring cycle.
Verdi’s anvil chorus.
Norse god Thor banged one of these when he wanted to make thunder.

Sounds Iike:
A giant slab of heavy metal



When blown, this produces a deep resonant moan and induces a feeling of euphoria, well-being and gratitude. Skilled players will find it helps their careers immensely.

As featured in:

Deep Throat

Sounds Iike:
Barry White

Price: £10



Known in unpleasantly PC circles as a ‘Jaws Harp’, this instrument is held against the teeth and plucked with the fingers to produce a sound. It’s a mouth guitar. It rocks (quietly).

As featured in:
Scottish and Jewish traditional music

Sounds Iike:

A bee





Bones can lay claim to being the oldest instruments of all. The modern versions are usually actually made of Rosewood or Ebony, but the principle hasn’t changed for millennia.

As featured in:

Tom Waits – The Pale Rider
2001: A Space Odyssey

Sounds Iike:

A bad day on the piste

Price: £5.95



More fun to play than to listen to, the kazoo is the simple inbred cousin of the harmonica. While they may not be easy on the ears, kazoos are as cheap as chips and there is something deeply satisfying about emptying your lungs into it and letting off a tremendously loud parp.

Price: £1

As featured in:
Embarrassing childhood memories.
The Blues.
Grateful Dead records. (NB What does a Grateful Dead fan say when he runs out of drugs? This music’s shit.)

Sounds Iike:
A cow giving birth



A large version of the bagpipes, using almost a whole cow to provide its airbag. The Chaucer Greatpipe more than lives up to its name, producing a huge stonking noise. Watch out for it at Slipknot concerts in the near future.

As featured in:

The Canterbury Tales
“A bagpipe wel he koude blowe and sowne,
And funkilie he brought us out of towne” (I 565)

Sounds like:
A cross between a clarinet and bagpipes, amplified.

Price: £800



Let the mothership land in your pants

£Free – to those that can afford it

As featured in:
The collected works of Funkadelic

Sounds Iike:
You’ve been taking too much acid



Remote controlled rat

Pest control??

Recent research has shown that there are now more rats than humans living in Britain. If you live in London, you’re never more than five metres from one. They were the cause of bubonic plague. They were the original and the worst fear in George Orwell’s Room 101. Their teeth can chew coiled steel.

Why anyone would want anything to do with the little bastards is completely beyond me. All the same, for less than £20, you can own this horrific model and, with the aid of a remote control, send it scurrying across your floor and spinning round in strange circles.

Alternatively, move to Hackney, where you will quickly find yourself in possession of several genuine rats at no cost at all, and have the added pleasure of seeing them pissing in your cupboards and attacking your pets.


Pregnant Doll

Foetal Attraction??

Once it was impressive enough to have a doll that cried. Then they brought in dolls that shat, which were, by any reckoning, pretty damn cool. But they’re nothing next to a doll that’s been knocked up.

There’s a little key that you can use to inflate and deflate her stomach, and there’s an accompanying baby, wrapped in swaddling. It’s really weird. And it’s not just any doll either, it’s Licca Chan, the Japanese Barbie, a huge seller for the last 35 years and the star of countless manga and anime comics. Ken now seems like far less of a sissy, but the other implications are disturbing.

Asian news source, AWSE news, reports that young fans of the doll are reported to have been “really surprised” by her new proportions. All the same, tens of thousands have already sold.

Is crack-whore Barbie next?

(Image on


Death Row Marv

When you flip the switch, on the elegant Death Row Marv, the little man vibrates in his seat and shouts "Is that the best you can do, you pansies"? Parents, teachers, politicians and Amnesty International have called for the toy to be banned. Unsurprisingly, it’s now an extremely sought after item, especially since manufacturers McFarlane toys have done the decent thing and decided to stop manufacturing it. There are still a few thousand out there though, just waiting to be smoked out.

(Images - - look up marv)


Bearded prophet

This post-modern, faux ancient toy cocoons all its users in a warm glowing layer of knowing irony. Designed by James Jarvis (World Of Pain), the beautifully crafted Bearded Prophet comes with 12 sign stickers and is available with green, purple or orange hair. It’s suitable for ages 21 and over, and according to the packet, it "moves in mysterious ways".


The Stone

The stones, shaped (significantly) like pyramids are supposed to be displayed or worn around the neck on a piece of string. Each one has six symbols inscribed on the side. The pattern of these symbols is replicated on only one other stone in the world. Using clues spread around the internet, your task is to track down the owner of the stone like yours. They become your ‘stone-mate’. The rest is up to you.

(Image at:


Putt Putt steamboat

These lovely little boats will turn any bath into an orbit of nautical delight. Using no more fuel than the stub of a small candle or a few drops of olive oil, they will chug around at surprising speeds for hours. And all to the accompaniment of a deeply satisfying "putt-putt" sound.

Alterntively known as ‘Pot-Pot’, ‘Pom-Pom’, ‘Put-Put’, ‘Phut-Phut’ , ‘Toc-Toc’ or ‘Steamboat Billy’, the boats were invented in 1891 by an Englishman called Thomas Piot. They were hugely popular until the 1920s, but since then they’ve been largely forgotten, surviving only in a few musty physics labs where they’re dragged out once a year to demonstrate the expansive power of steam and something called a Helmholtz Resonator.

Finally though, thanks to the internet and a few enthusiasts dotted around the world, they’re making a well-deserved comeback. They’re fun again.


Night Vision Monocular

Now you’re stalking

They think that you can’t see them. They think that you’ll never know. They think that the darkness hides them. The fools.

(image at:

Jesus Action Figure

“I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.
Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.

“When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.”

Ernie Marrs

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